misconceptions
I thought I would be less lonely in a twin bed.
Turns out, I was wrong.
I miss The Boyfriend. Even the tips of my fingers miss him, or should I say, “especially the tips of my fingers miss him.” Because resting them on his skin or in his hair or under his leg while I’m about to fall asleep is something that I took for granted. It’s something I want back. This will only be the 5th night I’ve spent in California and I am already aching with loneliness. It’s too late to call him because not only are we not in the same bed, we’re not even in the same time zone. I don’t know how to do this, sleep, anything, without him. I’m going out of my mind with emotional upheaval tonight and I acknowledge that I’m not at my most stable, that I’m actually pretty Crazy.
But that’s just how I have to be sometimes.
I thought that spending so much time alone would be refreshing (and maybe/hopefully it still will be), but it turns out that a little bit of quiet time to compose my Crazy is enough. After a little bit of quiet time turns into too much quiet time, my Crazy likes to come out and play double dutch with my heart strings.
“Shhh, Crazy, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.”
And also? I just somehow hit my chin on the edge of my laptop screen and it’s bleeding. Which is of course making me cry, but I think it’s less the chin wound and more that I was right there with the whole emotional outburst thing anyway and the bleeding and the physical pain is just an outward version of what’s going on inside. Actually, inside is a lot worse. I miss him.
I’m starting to do the thing that I always do when I’m slipping into a depressive state, I think of everything that I legitimately have to be stressed out about, everything I could stress out about but probably shouldn’t, and then on top of that I think of everything that I have no control over (children in poverty, world hunger, cancer, etc.) and stress about that too.
It’s difficult to explain how I feel right now, and I doubt I’d even be trying to if it weren’t for this blog. Hopefully forcing everything to the surface will help me to process and get rid of it faster, but I can just as easily see it making me feel worse. I guess the best way to put it is that looking out over the next 7.5 months, I suddenly feel very overwhelmed, very needle in a haystack, very little girl big world, and I don’t really like it. Not one bit.
Dear The Boyfriend,
This little 5 day break has been cute and all, but I hate it.
I’m so cold. Where are you.
Oh, darling, this was heart wrenching.
Being courageous and ambitious and daring and all the wonderful things you are can be the hardest thing in the world sometimes.
(the email offer from before still stands… for reals)
Just please please please, use us all you need to as a sounding board or anything you can think of. We’ve all felt unbearably alone some days, but the key is to not get too wrapped up in it.
oh doll, I am sorry. that’s lame.
come visit me. i do wonders for the soul.
“I’m starting to do the thing that I always do when I’m slipping into a depressive state, I think of everything that I legitimately have to be stressed out about, everything I could stress out about but probably shouldn’t, and then on top of that I think of everything that I have no control over (children in poverty, world hunger, cancer, etc.) and stress about that too.”
I do that, too. It’s not fun. Still on the ledge with you, love. All you need is talk.
I’m sorry, hun. I know what you mean about being on the emotional brink. But you’ll make it through this….you will.
I heard this on TV the other day:
“Yard by yard, it’s hard. Inch by inch, it’s a cinch.”
You know that I understand more than either of us would like. If I had a dollar for every time I let things get that way, I’d be the richest bitch on the planet. The trick, as hard as it may be, is to focus on one thing at a time. I know.. I know.. DUH. I know you already know this.. I know *I* already know this.. but somehow that doesn’t stop us, does it?
If I lived closer I’d come over and we could play dorky games like Monopoly or Scrabble or Phase 10 over a bottle (or 3) of wine and relax and hiccup with laughs. Because, yes.
Just know you’re not alone, despite the fact that you’re physically on your own. I know some of us are supremely far away (and boy, does that blow hard) but we love you to bits and don’t ever forget that.
It’ll get easier with time.
Okay, and now I’ll shut up because.. yeah. I kinda talked a lot there.
Oh
I’m sorry. I am feeling only the littlest tiniest bit of what you are going through right now simply because of schedule issues between me and the husband, but even this little tiny glimpse gives me great sympathy for you. And your bleeding chin.
I know he misses you, too. And I know you - both! - will get through this, somehow.
I meant all you need to do is talk. Not that that’s all you need. Ah, pfft. You get what I mean.
have you tried sleeping on a couch, I found that helps, I don’t know why, maybe it tricks your brain into thinking you are just napping, which is infinitely better than “sleeping alone”
nothing tricks the heart though.
good luck, try the couch.
it will get easier. i promise. chin up.
xoxo
“I’m so cold. Where are you.”
Oh honey- I have been there in that place and it totally blows. Big hugs and big love. Hold on. It’s not forever, even if it feels like it.
Oh sweetie, you are so brave for doing what you’re doing. My boy had a 6 week internship last summer, and even though I got to see him a few times a week I was MISERABLE (it’s safe to say I’m a wee bit pathetic when it comes to him), so I can’t even imagine being brave enough to do what you’re doing.
It will get easier. And think of the reunion! It’ll be like that hot scene in The Notebook ;D
Oh love, it’ll get better. I promise. Just focus on one thing at a time–focus on brushing your teeth. Done? Okay, now focus on getting dressed. Then on making breakfast. Then on getting to work. The tunnel vision helps keep the mind from wandering towards all that other stuff that brings you down. Maybe set up specific times each day to talk to the boy, so that you can look forward to them and know that you guys will have some time together then. Make him send you letters or postcards, because snail mail means SO much more than email when it’s written in his handwriting. Maybe have him send you something of his (a shirt, boxers, etc.) and wear it when you go to bed. And if you feel like you can’t keep it inside any longer, just go ahead and scream or have a good cry and let it out. I find that singing along to peppy songs automatically makes me feel a bit better too. The long-distance stuff sucks, I know. There are little things that make it more bearable though, and once you start to throw yourself into other things, it doesn’t seem as bad as it did. You guys will see each other again, it’s not goodbye forever.
And I just wrote a novel, sorry. But if you want to talk more, drop me an email or I’ll be on gchat. Or let me know and I’ll give you my number. xoxoxo
I’m so sorry.
It really will be OK, you have to get over that first hump that is SO hard. It’s like running, that first part is the hardest and then you hit your stride and you can make it…and then the end is hard again but you are close enough to the finish line that it keeps you going! Keep your iPod on the right music, it’ll help too…
I love ya, you’re not crazy.
This is so sweet and painful and I’m so sorry. It will get better though, and it sounds like you are totally right that you are focusing on the negative which is making it worse. Eventually things will pick up and you’ll have good stuff to focus on and you’ll get to visit and it’ll get better.
In the meantime, you aren’t crazy. Seriously.
My husband and I were long distance prior to our engagement, and oh I have I been where you are. Eventually, you will get used it. And believe it or not, when you get back to being in the same place, it’s going to be like “why are you all up in my business all the time?” Or maybe that was just mean me.
Either way, it will get easier, which is hard in it’s own way because you kind of hate for apart to become status quo.
I wish I could give you a hug right now. Since I’m in VA and you’re in CA, that’s not possible, though.
I was in a LD Relationship with my bf for a while during school. The month of August was always the hardest. After having spent all of summer with him, going to sleeping alone was always really hard. All you can do is keep yourself busy. And maybe try planning a trip home or a time for him to come visit you. Having something to look forward to always helped me!
i know how you’re feeling. The Ex is in arizona and I’m in Minnesota. That’s far. And he’s pretty much my boyfriend right now so it sucks. I miss the cuddling, kissing, joking.
We can get through it together! Hang in there, lovely.
On the plus side, I found this to be a very well written post!
so incredibly sad
gawd i could barely survive without boyfriend for four days I can’t even fathom how you’re feeling. I wish i could hug you right now because i’ve been in those horrible long distance relationship that make the very core of you ache, when you feel so lonely you just want to jump the next flight to their arms.
But remember the reward…you’ll make it through the distance, and when you see him again it’ll be a gazillion times better than you could have ever imagined - the kisses will be that much sweeter, the hugs that much tighter, and the lovin’…well…you know
but the best part is that your relationship will be that much stronger for making it through the distance.
if you ever need to cry to someone i’m here <3
Oh God. This post is heart wrenching to say the least.
Being without that person you’re used to sleeping next to, for the first couple of weeks, is the loneliest feeling I’ve experienced on my short 24 years on this Earth.
I actually had to go to the store and pick up some sleep aids for this one. It’s a tough one kiddo. Chin up.
Darlin’, I can relate, I can relate so well.
These days come and go. Be strong, you’ll make it through.
Or you can be like me and curl in a ball, hugging 3 pillows, crying. It’s okay too.
Hi, um. Well. You’re in the wrong part of California, but if you weren’t, we could bond even more. Stop trying to be me. Seriously.
All joking aside, I understand. Sometimes, I think it’s just saying “I don’t know” is what gets me through every day.
wow, i got a little misty eyed reading this. im not gonna say i understand or i sympathize with you cause ive never been in your situation. but look at how strong you are for even making the move. thats so huge. if you can do that (which most people cant, me included) you can get through this too. just take it day by day thats all you can do. one day at a time. you know the saying “this to shall pass”. and it will. promise.
i’m calling you right now. i love you.
i’ll leave the rest for the phone call.
Aw Nicole! I just want to give you a big ole hug right now. I definitely know the feeling of loneliness and long distance from the BF. Granted your bf is a little further away, same thing. I can’t say it’ll get easier but I can say that you won’t be alone. We’re all for you
Oh, feel better. I hope the Crazies go back to sleep. Nights are the worst, it’s when you miss ‘em the most, and it’s enough to drive anyone loco.
Everyone who’s commented so far has had such wonderful and helpful things to say that I won’t be able to top, so instead I will just say that I hope it gets easier soon and hang in there.
things that help with loneliness, in no particular order:
nachos bell grande
a cat
The Onion online
pet stores
nachos bell grande
time
Oh, the suckiness. I’m so sorry. I’m not very “up” right now myself, so I’ll just tell you what someone very smart told me. Give yourself a set amount of time to wallow in it, then tell yourself you have to buck up. Sometimes giving yourself a little leeway goes a long way toward letting yourself feel better!
I understand. It sucks so bad. Sometimes the time change is the worst thing in the world and the twin bed just reminds me even more that I don’t have anyone besides me. But you will get through it.
I have to reverse the thoughts in my head from thinking about how long I have away to thinking that it is actually not that long at all and there is an end in sight. Easier said than done though…
I’ve done the long distance thing. And this whole blog just reminded me of how much it sucked. It hurt so bad and you just want someone ot wrap their arms around you…I KNOW….I’m so sorry, It doesnt get better it just takes time, and even in time you still miss them incredibly….I’m gonna say stay away from sappy love movies, theyre never good, you’re willing to spoon up to ANYTHING after that, so, just stay away from those.
Oh Nic, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I know what its like to have those deepest feelings of longing and loneliness, and for that I’m sorry its so hard. Eventually it will be okay, and you’ll go through this period, and learn how to grow and enjoy the things around you. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. Lovs ya
I bet he misses you just as much as you miss him. It doesn’t seem like it now, but the time will fly. Who knows what wonderful things these next 7 1/2 months will bring! Sending warm hugs your way!
I’m not going to give you any mushy love advice or remedies. But you know in the back of your mind that he is thinking about you as much if not more than you so him. You are an unforgettable girl Nicole, seriously! OK, I guess that was a little advice, but oh well! I’ve been there, distance is so hard and a lot of work to get through and get over, but just take it a day at a time. There are highs and lows that come with any big change, this is just one of them. I’m always here!
You know it’s interesting; I just wrote an email yesterday to a certain non-boyfriend, because what I term “the crazy” is back…and by that I mean when I become paranoid, lonely, and worry about everything that is going wrong or could possibly go wrong EVER, and I think about things I can’t control and lament the fact that I can’t control them…
So I know the feeling you have, at least a little bit. I’ll be glad when the crazy is totally gone.
Aww I’m so sorry
I know how much the long distance thing sucks and the couting down the days, even though you know it’s bad to wish days away. Is he coming to visit at all?
You’re doing an awesome thing by leaving your comfort zone and doing big and totally amazing things. You’re going to look back on this and be sooo proud of yourself. In the meantime, try to keep your chin up and have lots of fun. If you’re feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to e-mail me!
I keep getting to things a day or two behind, when I’m sure you’re already back in a good place. OF COURSE you miss him! Of course you will cry over this! I’m so sorry you are going through this but it’s totally and completely understandable. And as for stressing about everything leading up to global poverty, well, just know you’re not doing that alone. Big hugs to you. You’re strong. I know it’s easy to say and impossible to DO when you’re in the middle of it, but give yourself some time to cry and fret and settle. It’s not that you’ll stop missing him, but this new temporary way of life will get easier and easier…and then suddenly you’ll be back!
I’m so sorry that this is so hard for you. We all get like this..where we know that the sad mood is coming on and everything (i mean everything) makes you sad. I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.
But as for now..this is all I’ve got.
Be optimistic, don’t ya’ be a grumpy. When the road gets bumpy, just smile, smile, smile and be happy.
But then again…be sad. It always helps.
Oh love. I’m sorry I’m so late responding to this. And (more importantly) I’m sorry you are going through this. I have no words of wisdom, my pieces of advice, nothing to offer except that I’m thinking of you, wishing you the best and knowing that things are going to get better. And as with everyone else above me, I join the masses in saying that if you ever need to vent, you can email me and we can quote our favourite West Wing lines and comment on how ridiculously magnetic Josh Lyman is on the tv screen.
Oh gosh, so sad. You wrote this entry on my birthday and I was miserable as hell on this day too. What a bummer. I hope things are somehow slightly better (need to go read the adjoining entry that was written after this one, getting right on it).