on being a real adult
When I was a little girl I used to get so excited about having homework. Back then, homework meant responsibility and responsibility meant I was getting older, getting closer to being a grown up, closer to freedom.
The definition of freedom was frequently changing though, and soon enough homework became something to be despised, something that got in the way of all of the other, cooler, more grown up things I wanted to be doing. Drastically important things like going to the movies with my friends and gossiping about whether a kiss with no tongue still counted as a real kiss.
Freedom came and went in phases: being allowed to go out with a boy for the first time, driving, having an extended curfew, flying alone, and finally, going away to college. I’ve always been independent, but I never really knew from freedom until I moved to NYC for college.
Once again, the meaning of freedom shifted, because I had all the damn freedom in the world. I was swimming in freedom, diving into it, living it the hell up. I could go to class (or not), I could stay out all night (or not), I could have casual sex (or not) with whoever I wanted (or not), I could keep in touch with my parents (or not), drink shot after shot of bottom shelf vodka (or not), and on and on (or not and not).
At some point though, I think I maxed out on the freedom. Maxed out on the skipping class and pounding shots. Maxed out on the making out with random guys in bars, maxed out on coming home at ridiculous hours. I had ceased to be swimming in freedom; in fact, I was drowning in it. Because the thing with freedom is that it indicates that you’re free from something. For most people, it’s freedom from their parents, from authority, from having to report to anyone else. And being independent is great, being free is great, but I quickly found that with all my new freedoms came the weight of my conscience, the weight of answering to myself.
Because while I’m an excellent liar and have gotten a few (or more) things past my parents over the years, it’s pretty fucking hard to pull one over on yourself.
And so, like always, the grass became greener. I started to think longingly of the times when I didn’t have to do my own laundry, the times when I didn’t know how tempting happy hour was, the times when I never had to suffer through an all nighter to write yet another paper that I had procrastinated on.
Sometimes I forget that I’m a grown ass woman. I complain about not having enough time or enough money, like it’s someone else’s responsibility to teach me how to better manage either one. I eat cookies late at night in a dark kitchen, as if no one seeing me will mean it doesn’t count. I start sentences with “when I grow up.” I often look in the mirror and feel like I’m doing an awfully bad job of pretending to be a Real Adult.
wow. what an amazing post. it really really sums up how i feel about freedom myself. i eat in the dark too. i act like a kid half the time. i have NO IDEA when it happened that i all of a sudden had to deal with benefits and taxes and investing for my own place.
i’m a bit lost in all the haze. and i so identify with you on this.
growing up can suck it.
seriously.
i totally get where you’re coming from. i miss the days before i started shaving my legs. what a hassle.
don’t worry, i think most people up to the age of like 40 feel the same way. when the hell are we going to grow up? don’t know…but i think we all feel like we are faking it!
I’m the same! I sit around waiting for someone to smack me upside the head and teach me how to grow up. At this point, I need to stop waiting.
Wow, this is one of those posts that just resonates - everything you said is how I’ve been feeling, but haven’t put into words.
It’s a relief to see other people feel like ‘fake’ adults too…
I am SUCH a “fake” adult, it’s not even funny… Hence the staying in school forever, probably. Though I am starting to feel twinges of actually wanting to leave my Peter Pan syndrome behind, so who knows? Maybe soon I’ll graduate to “real adult”
I’m gonna be leaving home pretty soon to further my studies and it scares the shit out ot me think that I’m gonna have to be responisble for myself. I crave freedom from everything that I feel is holding me back here, but I’m afraid it’s something I may not be able to handle.
I don’t think anyone is a ERAL adult until you get married. Even when you leave school and have a job you still haven’t necessarily grown up (for instance, am I capable of managing my own finances? yes. Am I capable of raising a child? HELL NO). I still say “when I grow up” all the time. There is NOTHING wrong with putting off “real” adulthood. It seems very boring.
Yeah, that’s the thing about college: the “omg-freedom-i’m-gonna-do-everything-that-my-parents-told-me-not-to-do” feeling gets old after awhile. And in my opinion, the quicker you grow out of that phase and start to GROW UP on your own, the better.
AMEN. You said it all better than I could.
I’m 27, and I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way myself.
You’re so right. It’s kind of hard being in this in between stage of life after college and having full responsibility for yourself. It’s actually quite scary sometimes.
Know what? We *ALL* feel that way. That’s the big, dirty secret. I’m 28, and I feel that way. WH is 32, and he feels that way. My friends in their 40’s and 50’s- still feel that way.
Congrats, you *are* all grown up.
Oh I’m pretending right there with you!!
P.S. Went to Joey’s restaurant on Friday - it keeps getting better and better!!
i totally get it. i’m so right there with you.
well you sure don’t look like a shot pounder to me!
but the one thing folks feel free from is responsibility.
tough to find the middle but if you can then thats a good thing, the middle of course between happy hour and paying off credit cards!
Oh, sweetie, you’re not doing a bad job of being an adult. Some people have been adults since they were four, but most people are really trying to figure things out. I think you’re among the lucky to be questioning at this age, working things out in therapy, and tackling the things you might want to change while moving forward.
I think everyone feels this way sometimes, no matter how old they are or how long they’ve been “free.” And also, cookies totally have fewer calories if they’re eaten in the dark.
I know exactly what you mean. I think I’ll still say “When I grow up” when I’m 30. Age is relative- I really think it’s about how you feel.
The over abundance of freedom in college did a number on me, too. I really ended up missing the structure and reliable life I had with my parents. When I moved home for a year after college, I felt more normal and in tune with my life than I had been in 4 years. I acquired a normal sleep schedule, I ate healthier food, I didn’t go drinking every night. I needed that.
However I still make bad decisions every once in awhile, but then again who doesn’t. You realize as time goes on that you learn from mistakes, and see what makes you you. I went to a bunch of late night Chicago bars on Saturday and suddenly felt like a veil was lifted off of my eyes- I was SO DISGUSTED by everyone’s behavior, and felt so removed from that lifestyle. That was really defining for me.
I think life happens when you aren’t looking, and you’ll find bits and pieces of things that make you realize that you’re growing up, and all without losing who you are.
Don’t focus on things you deem negative, but rather all the things you’ve achieved.
I don’t think I’ll ever be an adult, I mean, on my voice mail I talk about dinosaurs.
I bet my Mom is proud of me for that.
Oh, how I can relate to this. I consistently wish myself to be an adult already. I mean, I’m getting freakin’ married…will I feel like an adult then? Does using LOLcat phrases post marriage mean no?
As old as I am, I don’t feel like I’m playing at it, but sometimes I do feel like I’m doing a piss poor job of it. I wish that I could hand over the worries of life to someone else and didn’t always have to be an adult.
The really scary part is when you find you’ve become your mother.
Growing up is a strange thing. I still call myself a girl, even though I’m 27, and clearly in the adulthood stage. But for some reason I still feel like I’m a kid playing dress-up.
I definitely feel the same way… I want to grow up and do grown up things, but I don’t very often feel like a grown up.
I definitely feel like that, like I’m just pretending to be an adult. One day I’ll get there, one day.
Amen. You said so much of what I think so often, but in a much much more eloquent and put together way than I ever could.
OMG, I used to do shots of bottom-shelf vodka too, and now I think back and wonder how the hell I could ingest that foul stuff.
Yeah, being an adult can be really lame. Sometimes when I get together with my family I’d rather hang out with my nieces & nephews because all I do is run around and try to avoid them putting me “in jail.” That way I don’t have to participate in adult things like “conversations about work.” BO-RING.
I always feel like I am a kid in my “adult” body. I get the feeling that feeling will never really go away…
Its very true! freedom, is freedom from something else entirely. For me its my parents. But for my late moving out boyfriend… there was nothing to be free of… I think seeking freedom gives us purpose. Is that strange?
You said what I’m feeling these days. *sigh*
When I was little I looked forward to the day that I could have my own home. I would eat all the uncooked chocolate cookie dough that I wanted. Yep, at 5 yrs. old, that was freedom. Now freedom means that I have to juggle work, school, and home life in order to fit working out into my schedule to get rid of the uncooked cookie dough accumulating around my hips.
It is freaky to realize that you really are responsible for your own self, isn’t it? Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can’t be a grown up ALL the time.
I felt this exact same way lately. Especially right before I leave for work and give myself a once over in the mirror - it’s like I’m all dressed up in someone else’s clothes or something, just pretending.
The older I get, the less I feel like an adult. I think that’s because as kids, we get this impression that adults have all the answers…but it seems to me that the older I get, I just have more questions.
Oh my god, I feel you on this post SO MUCH. Instead of feeling like a Real Adult, I often feel like a little girl playing dress up.