taking inventory, part 2: the findings
As described here, I spent the weekend doing quite a bit of introspective question asking. I took an inventory of my life, my choices, my circumstances, and most importantly, myself. This, in no particular order, is what I found.
I am more reactive than proactive. I will wait until something is a certain way and then respond to it, instead of foreseeing how it will be or could be and taking early action.
I love to travel, mostly because I love to experience newness, to see things and touch things and taste things for the first time. Along with loving to travel, I love thinking about travel. Talking about it, planning it, researching it. I love to be on the move and if I can’t be on the move, I love at least knowing when my next trip will be.
Lately, I find that I’m constantly antsy and on edge. I’ve stopped sleeping soundly and never, ever sleep through the night anymore. I wake up in a panic.
Children make me smile. I am great with children and am really looking forward to being a mother some day; I already have baby names picked out. I joke about this, but I’m really fearful of infertility. There’s no family medical history that indicates that I should be worried, but it still weighs heavily on my mind sometimes.
I’m happier when I’m in the middle of a great book. I love reading and writing and being surrounded by flurries of words. I miss the sense of accomplishment I felt after completing a paper in college. I’d love to get into writing more seriously, and yet I am still convinced that this couldn’t be a “real” career for me. I would blog more often, but am honestly scared that people would get sick of reading it.
My weight fluctuates easily and frequently. I weigh 128.6 pounds, and yet I only weighed 124 pounds at this time last month. I’m troubled by the up and down and often spend the majority of my day thinking about (and hating) my body. More than any other aspect of my life, I need to get this under control.
I am virtually incapable of living in the present moment because my mind is always someplace else (or ten thousand other places).
My favorite thing about California (vs. NYC) is that when I’m here, I am infinitely calmer than when I’m being rocked by the bustling city. I feel more connected to myself in California, which is a step up from not feeling connected to myself at all in NYC.
I do miss New York though. Most notably, I miss the tingling sense of possibility that lives in the air. New York City makes me feel like anything, incredible or horrific, could happen at any moment.
I know I’m going to get bored of living in Thousand Oaks at some point, just like I get restless and bored with everything else after awhile. What if I’m never able to settle down?
I live in constant contradiction to myself. Everything I want seems to fight something else that I want and it’s exhausting. Completely exhausting. It leaves me feeling unsatisfied and empty, it means that no matter how much I accomplish, I’m always grappling with unhappiness over something else. I want to settle down, I want roots, I want to cultivate a home- not just a house, a home. But equally, I want adventure. I want frequent change and constant excitement. I want to be stimulated. I want I want I want. I want everything.
I don’t know how to pray. I crave spirituality so deeply and yet I’m totally lost on how to find it. This, in addition to my body image issues, is the biggest thing holding me back from being who I want to be and living the life I desperately want to live.
Despite my successes, my education, my passion, and my intellect, I am shockingly lazy.
I shy away from the spotlight. I have never really aimed for greatness because I don’t know how I’d recover from falling short. Despite how drawn I am to spontaneity, I live a surprisingly safe life. I’ve spent so long feeling safe and bored within my own skin, and I think that finally, I have had enough of that. I’ve passed over so many opportunities and not followed through on so many ideas, solely out of fear, and I think that finally, I have had enough of that. I let things fade away, skills, friendships, knowledge, people, possibilities, all because I am afraid to try for more, because I’m too lazy to try for more.
But I want more. I’m ready for more.
Maybe this time, more really is better?
You + me = twins.
In fact, I’m a little scared at our similarities (as should you be!) Are you sure you’re not an American me? I’m not sure how much 124 pounds is… hang on.
Actually, bugger the twin thing - you’re about half my size
I hope you’re really short 
Wow. This is an incredibly thorough and detailed inventory. This kind of self-awareness is so, so important. Not that I would necessarily know what to do with this kind of assessment. But I still think it’s a good thing to have done.
By the way, I also have no indication that I am at risk for infertility, but I share that fear with you.
I get you. I absolutely get you. I think I’m a little older than you are. This is what I can tell you. The excitement part? You can find that where you are, and you can keep it in a home. You have to redefine excitement, though, and look for new experiences and new perspectives in your stable life, rather than upsetting it to find them. You’re not necessarily lazy. I think you’re overwhelmed by the possibilities, and the obstacles. What you’re doing right now should give you some clarity and some direction, and that should help your inertia. Also, ditto on the infertility fears. I think that we all struggle a little bit with our capability to mother- from the very beginning of the process. Thanks for sharing this with us.
You and I are so much alike in some ways! Although, girl, I’d love to be 128.6 pounds (of course, I don’t know how tall you are, you could be 3′5″). Love your body, yo.
Also, I am TOTALLY there with you on the “I crave stability but also crave adventure and am afraid that I will never settle down” thing. Welcome to my life. Welcome to a lot of people’s lives, I think. I agree with verybadcat that there are ways to create that excitement without thoroughly uprooting yourself– or at least I’ve found that’s true for me. Learning a new skill, picking up a new hobby, making a new friend, joining a new club, planning a trip– these things all help me feel more alive without having to move across the country every five weeks. Of course, this comes with its own set of problems for me in that I have trouble committing to anything and my inconsistency makes it hard for me to form long-term romantic relationships because I’m basically a whole new person every couple of months.
Anyway, I’m glad that you were about take the time to think about all this stuff! I hope that it helps you after it’s had a chance to percolate a bit.
I LOVED this post Nicole! You accomplished a hell of a lot in one weekend! We have a lot in common too. With the travel and the body imagine business and the children and reading a great book. Oh, and, the living in the moment. Right now I’m reading “Mindful Woman” and I’d definitely check it out. It talks about ways to practice being more mindful, worrying less about the outcome of things, living in the here and now.
PS- I love your writing.
I really enjoyed this. More than my words will show. I think you and I have a lot in common, especially the one about not being able to pray. I read “Eat, Love, Pray” and stopped reading when she went to India and got into the meditation. I just really… well, if I’m being honest I found that I got jealous that she was able to get into it, to find a way to do that. In the book she talks about how it took her awhile, but she finally got there- I can’t. I sit and try to clear my head but before I can even get comfortable my mind is already racing… I don’t know how to stop it. So, if you figure out a way, let me know- okay?
It’s good to ponder these things and dream of what is next, what your heart desires, who you want to continue to become. Part of this is age- specific and part of it is just the human journey. You’ll get there. The hardest thing for me on my journey has been finding patience.
Because you are thinking about these things and really facing the things you want to change, you will. I used to be in constant motion because the here and now was never interesting enough, or never made me happy enough, or just in some way wasn’t enough. Tomorrow or yesterday or over there or something else was always more desirable. And at some point that feeling of perpetual never-enoughness mostly stopped, although it does pop up now and then. I think I should probably attribute it to age and therapy and hitting a level of comfort with myself, because I definitely didn’t get all spiritual or enlightened or anything.
“I live in constant contradiction to myself. Everything I want seems to fight something else that I want and it’s exhausting. Completely exhausting. It leaves me feeling unsatisfied and empty, it means that no matter how much I accomplish, I’m always grappling with unhappiness over something else. I want to settle down, I want roots, I want to cultivate a home- not just a house, a home. But equally, I want adventure. I want frequent change and constant excitement. I want to be stimulated. I want I want I want. I want everything.”
I know I haven’t posted here before, but I’ve got to say that I think I’ve struggled with this contradiction my whole life. I don’t know how to come to terms with it, except to hope that eventually I’ll find satisfaction in the everyday and I won’t struggle with the what-ifs so much anymore.
Have you read the book “Eat Pray Love”? I think you would REALLY like it, especially after reading this post.
I love your phrase “life inventory.” We all SO need to do that, especially in our young adult years, when we’re trying to figure so many things out!
I worry about infertility, too. I think it’s because we’re so bombarded by stories about successful women having to go to great lengths to get pregnant. Let’s try to stop worrying about it, okay?
Nicole it’s so weird how much we’re alike. Reading this I pretty much said “me too!” to everything (minus the NYC stuff). I seriously cant’ stop thinking about travel and have planned my future kids names as well, I can’t help. I’m all about living in the moment but it’s so hard to not always wonder and plan for the future. So I think you’re right to want more, you’re right to want to do more, and I say go for it.
This:
“I have never really aimed for greatness because I don’t know how I’d recover from falling short.”
Really spoke to me. I think you just summed ME up in one sentence. And THAT makes me want to reevaluate MYSELF. Oh boy.
wow, I feel that we are a lot alike in some aspects.
I think you are an incredible writer, and if you wrote everyday, I would still read. I know I always check your blog everday
I’m definitely right there with you on the weight fluctuation. I can go up and down in just one day. It’s really bad, but it happens, I guess. I need to get control of it also!
Wow. I put you on my Google Reader the other day (once I figured out how to use it) because I read one of your posts and assumed (correctly) that you would be a really good read. This post really, really spoke to me. First of all- I think it’s awesome that you even did this. Most people understand that there are things they don’t ‘get’ about themselves, but never take the time to delve deeper and figure it all out, like you did here. I’m really impressed by that. And also, just everything you’ve said. It all makes such sense, and I know it helped many people connect and realize something about themselves in learning things about you.
and you deserve more. kudos to you for going through your personal inventory.
seriously.
also? might I suggest finding a career which roots you to a city that you like and keeps you calm, but allows for AMPLE travel.
the world is your oyster (truly) and it’s tough and sucks and does not come with ease.. but that’s what makes the victory that much sweeter
Great post, I think you’ve managed to put down here what most of us feel for, say, the first 25 years of our lives!
I can’t meditate either, and while it looks like it would be so centering, I find my peace in other places. Long drives with my favourite music, good books, cooking.
I too love travel and I know your dilema so well. I was lucky enough to find someone that I made my home, rather than somewhere. Now it doesn’t matter where I go, I am always at home.
Oh, and one more thing…much as you would love to have them, you’re not supposed to have all the answers. Believe it or not, this is the fun stuff! The messy, mistake making, accidentally joyful stuff that you’ll look back on when you’re old and grey.
I hope you find what you’re looking for…
I would read if you wrote everyday. I wish you’d write everyday. You’re an excellent writer and you always get my mind spinning.
among many of the things you said, this:
“I am virtually incapable of living in the present moment because my mind is always someplace else (or ten thousand other places).”
and this:
“I let things fade away, skills, friendships, knowledge, people, possibilities, all because I am afraid to try for more…”
spoke to me especially.
keep writing.
Wow. This is wonderful. So much of what you said is so silmilar to what I’ve been feeling lately - for whatever reason, this past weekend I spent all my time being introspective. Most especially, what you said about living in contradiction is exactly me. I complain that I want to settle, that I want to belong somewhere, that I want a home and a family, but then, just like that, I want to move far away, drifting from place to place free of roots and commitments.
Anyway, great post!
Interesting all these things you discovered about yourself this weekend. What, exactly, did you do to be so reflective? Sit on the beach? Talk with a friend? Sounds very worthwhile an activity!
honestly i think every girl out there fears infertility.. since you have those “oh crap” moments when you’re waiting for your monthly friend to come.. get freaked out that you’re pregnant.. then when your friend comes you’re like.. maybe i can’t have kids. LOL cos thats my fear! and yes. more is definitely better.. except for zits.
Hey - I was kicking around WordPress and just came across this site and your post. Almost everybody’s in conflict - and I do mean everybody. It’s natural, but it also doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. If you really want to get all the things you want and be totally clear, go to http://www.centerpointe.com.
It may sound out there, but it’s audio technology that instantly brings you into meditation states. All of the most spiritually healthy people I know meditate, and they’re all balanced and doing exactly the things they want - with no conflict. You can read all about it on their site, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and I would’ve paid 50 times what I paid (less than $200) for it.
I don’t work for these guys and have no affiliation with them. But I’ve been using their products for 7 weeks, and it’s completely changed my life. Actually, it’s probably saved it. When you meditate, you just naturally start digging up all sorts of subconscious stuff that’s been holding you back. And when you dig it up, it just falls away and you just stop doing it.
I’d encourage you to check it out. It’s so worth it. Good luck…
I really want to write a little novel but when I started talking it out in my head, I realized I was just reiterating what you’d already said. Because… WE ARE THE SAME F*ING PERSON. I swear to God it’s the fact that our birthdays are three days apart. I can blame a lot of interesting personality traits on that one, yes?
I don’t know how to pray either. But I don’t guess there is a right or wrong way to do it..just as long as you do it. You’re a doll.
We have a lot in common, obviously there are a few other readers who have the same issues. I hope you get more and it is better. One day you will get to a point (married with children) that you just can’t make a decision and act on it, so act on them now. DON’T WAIT. Check out Shakti Gawain - have you ever read her. She put a lot of things in perspective for me in my 20’s.
We are different on travel. I worry about travel and then enjoy myself when I get there. Although after my last trip, I am ready to board the next airplane. I always seem to find peace in nature. The sounds of nature always put me in a state where things look clearer. Maybe that’s why I want to take pictures all the time, to put me back in the one place that makes me relax.
So Jim’s comment freaked me out.
Can you say “cult-ish?”
I think part of what will make you feel better, what will help (or at least help me for brief moments) is BEING where you are and accepting it, whether good or BAD, without worrying so much…which is SO HARD OT DO I know because we are virtually the same, and I’m goig through the same thing, but even if you can find A DAY to “let go” of future thinking or anxiety, even if it means readng a book all day, then DO IT. wherever you find your happiness. AND, I’m telling you man….read ” a new earth” i’ve had a relatively good week since reading it and have beenv ery “enlightened” (in my own way) sice reading it, certain things that used to carry so much weight for me, seem less important. like some zen monk said, “Don’t mind what happens….” when you sotp minding you start accepting. Right?
AND ON the other note, wanting more IS good you should want more, and sometimes that means taking a leap of faith….
I have never really aimed for greatness because I don’t know how I’d recover from falling short.
WOw
I probably know folks like this but not any that said it. Seems crazy to me. How can you ever win if you don’t even play for fear of losing?
hmmmm
the few pics that I have seen of you here you look great. I mean they have all been boobs up but you surely don’t look fat/thin/funky whatever.
And by the way, for poignant books I’d also recommend Blue Like Jazz, or Through Painted Deserts, or Searching for God Knows What, all by Donald Miller.
He’s an extremely poignant writer (so much so I want to put down my pen forever) and he is very honest about spirituality as a twenty-something. The books will change your life.