Dear God:
Is that what you like to be called? I don’t know. I’ve never really sat down to talk to you before. Oh, I know we’ve been briefly in touch throughout the years, but usually during frantic situations in which I was on top of a roller coaster pleading fervently for the “harness thing not to snap so as to prevent me from plummeting to my death- oh and not getting stuck upside down for 5 hours like those kids on the news would be great too because I don’t like when all the blood rushes to my head thanks.”
We spoke briefly when my mom left my dad, but haven’t really reconnected since she moved back in with him. Thanks for that, by the way. And I mean that sincerely, not in a way that’s a sarcastic afterthought, but sincerely and with every inch of my heart.
We speak sometimes when I’m really deep in it- depression that is. When the weight of it all presses me down into myself and I’m too consumed by it to see a way out. When everything slides over me like a gradual trickle of water, dripping and dripping until I finally look up and exclaim, “Hey, I’m drowning.”
If you are the one who takes my unbearably heavy body and makes it light again after that, I am more grateful than you could ever know.
So yeah, we’ve spoken a few times. We tend to speak a lot while I’m having sex. Or more accurately, I yell your name a lot, which I’m sure gets distracting.
In all seriousness though, I guess I only come to you when I want things, huh? That’s pretty shitty.
Sorry, I know I’m probably not supposed to swear.
Oh, and so as not to buck tradition, here I am, wanting things. Or more specifically, one thing: balance.
I’m looking for my spiritual path, and by looking for it I mean desperately wanting it but not knowing how to go about finding it. I knew pretty early on that Christianity wasn’t the path for me, it just never resonated and I had too many unanswerable questions about it. There was just too much that didn’t feel right for me, and that’s what spirituality is supposed to be, isn’t it? Something personal? Something that in the dark places of our soul just feels right? That’s not to say that I don’t find a lot of Christian holidays really comforting, I celebrate Christmas and Easter, but more in a family-and-friends-togetherness-tradition way than a religious way. And I’m okay with that.
But I’m still searching, feeling lost and unbalanced and lacking a spiritual core. I just bought a book on Buddhism, and I’ve read books on Wicca before, because something about the more earth based practices stirs me, awakens me. So maybe that’s my path? Or maybe I’m supposed to create my own path by handpicking the things I like from different faiths and practices and making them all my own? How do I do that though?
I just, I don’t know, want to feel closer to you. I want to feel like there’s something bigger, something more powerful, something wonderful that connects us all. And right now I don’t- but I’m trying. And any help or direction would be incredible.
many people are forever searching for a higher power… a higher purpose if you will… something that tells us we are not here by mistake; that doesn’t allow us to be reduced to a millisecond on the timeline of life. I’m pretty sure I’ve found it and I hope you do too. It doesn’t come easily and it never stops being work. Because it takes a monumental amount of work and self-reflection to be a part of the divinity that surrounds us.
Sorry for speaking so abstractly, but I also believe in not pushing one’s own beliefs on someone else. You’ll find what your looking for if you just keep searching.
(PS. If you’re looking to read more, check out the Articles section of this website: http://www.demello.org/)
LOVE this. Let me know if you hear back from him!
I think the asking helps you get closer. It helped me.
The only thing that I really believe connects us all, other than humanity, is nature. Which I suppose could be connected with God in a metaphorical sort of way. Good luck on this particular quest.
Lovely post.
Kind of reminds me of my grandma. Technically she was Catholic but not traditionally. She did a lot of spiritual things and one story is that she created a tee-pee of sorts in the middle of the living room where she “rested” (smoked the ganga?) for days. I know there would be times she would fast or have pow-wows in her living room. I’m not sure where she got these ideas and I never had the chance to talk to her about it, but I know she was always on the quest for spiritual enlightenment. She took what she liked and applied it to her life.
Good luck. I think it’s a good step with talking to God. We often call on him when we need him the most but forget to be thankful for what he’s already given us. (hey, that sounds like I’m actually religious!!)
i love this post nicole. i find myself wanting to be more spiritual these days too. not necessarily religious, but more spiritual. let me know if you head back from the big guy, i could use some guidance as well.
I hope you find what you’re looking for; I’m sure some people have used up lifetimes in the same pursuit.
Also, the part about yelling during sex def made me laugh out loud at work. Thanks for that! Haha
What a great post. I laughed out loud at the sex part, too, and knew just exactly what you meant about being thankful although you’re not sure to whom you should direct that thanks.
I feel pretty at peace with my spirituality now, I think, although I struggled with it for a long time. The path for me has been all about thankfulness and it sounds like you’re on your way there, too.
What Buddhism book did you pick? One of the books I mentioned in my previous comment was a book by a Buddhist monk (The Miracle of Mindfulness) and I totally recommend it. It changed my life! I’ve bought it for several people and they’ve always said they felt the same.
Good luck.
Very interesting. I’ve known for a while that Christianity wasn’t for me either, but honestly, I think I’ve been too lazy to find something that DOES suit me. Let me know if you find any good books on this topic!
You should have hit G up on the gray hair thing!
This was absolutely lovely. You will find your path, but I wonder if you’re right and it will have to be absolutely your own? If you get all over the top and start a religion and have a compound, the good thing about it will be that the food will rock and there will be lots of cookies! But seriously, I’m hoping you find a comfortable place and I am happy your parents are back together.
I like it. I like where this is headed. Lately most of my spiritual ideas have come about due to Oprah. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I like this earnest conversation approach.
And I don’t think God cares about swearing. I’m serious.
I find this very interesting. You and I seem to be on the same paths in regard to spirituality. I tell people who ask that God and I are still in negotiations. So far, he’s not budging.
I don’t mean to be flip, but wouldn’t it be awesome if God commented on this blog? Your blog could be, like, the destination for pilgrims.
Keep the conversation going, by the way. You’ll get an answer.
I could have written this myself!
Between your posts on taking inventory and this one on the confusing nature of spirituality, I feel like you’re writing what I should be. I do believe you’ll find your way, I’m jus not sure if its anything outside of you that will be the guide. But it is sometimes nice to be able to rest the questions on something else for a while as you wait for a bit of wisdom and guidance.
Good luck.
you rock.
in your pursuit, some stuff you might want to check out (and if it doesn’t interest you, no offense taken…but these things have resonated with me): kundalini yoga, books by Thich Nhat Hahn, and Conversations with God.
And I agree with the above thought that God doesn’t care if you swear.
Talking to God helps. I do it sometimes. And I don’t think God really cares about swearing. He should be pretty cool.
i just started reading a book that has me questioning my spiritual path. like you, i have talked to “god” on occasion, but i don’t really know what i believe. i hope both of us can figure it out
you know, a few years ago when my depression was spiraling out of control, i bought a women of faith study bible. i don’t know exactly why i bought it, i guess i thought reading it would make god realize “HELLO! I NEED A LITTLE HELP DOWN HERE!”… but it didn’t. things inevitably got worse before they got better and after that i was pretty much resolved to the fact that sure, there might be a god… but he hated my guts.
however, in forcing myself to get through passages of that bible, i found passages and quotes that resonated right through me, things i still remember now. things i found myself repeating in my head over and over again. it wasn’t because it was the “word of god” or whatever the fuck it’s called… it was because it made sense. it made me think about things from a different perspective and sometimes? that’s exactly what you need.
i’m still not really sure that there is a god, and if there is? i’m not really sure he gives a shit about rachel from cape may. really, why would he? he’s got darfur to contend with, and i’m sure those poor souls need his help a fuck of a lot more than i do. i know that i talk a lot of times and it’s not really directed at anyone… it’s just that if there’s someone up there to listen, i don’t want to miss out. and you know? a lot of times i have the same things to say that you did here.
it helps to believe that there is a higher power. it helps to believe in SOMETHING. people (myself included) take solace in knowing someone else is at the wheel, someone else is there to guide you and to watch you. not necessarily all the time, but in your darkest times. that there is a greater reason for the bullshit in life other than to make you miserable.
steves mom is wiccan. truth be told, it kind of freaks me out.. but doesn’t all the unknown? yeah. being spiritual isn’t about who you worship, but that you do. at least, that’s what i think. it’s about researching and finding your perfect fit. i’m sure you’ll do just that.
holy fuck this is the longest comment ever, and you should feel special because i’m about to hit “mark all as read” on my google reader and i haven’t left anyone a comment in over a week. but really, you don’t count when shit happens like that.
i hope you fins what you’re looking for lovie. xo
Classic quarter-life crisis stuff happening…
very cool. i hope you find yourself some answers!
http://www.islamfortoday.com
It won’t hurt!
I hope you find some clarity that resonates in your soul.
And I wholeheartedly agree - spirituality and relationship with God should be personal and tangible for us. If it’s not, then what’s the point? Some arbitrary set of rules and guidelines? No thank you.
I know you turned your comments off the last post for a reason, but I wanted to say take care and make sure you come back! I love reading your blog and so many of my favorites are just dissapearring
I would hate to click on your link one day and wonder what happened to you. Take your much needed time away! You’ll be missed, though 
You’re amazing. You will find your way….the universe, though very subtly helps us come to it, sometimes in BIG way, and other times in very small ways that make up all the difference.
This is a topic that leaves my head in a muddle if I think about it for too long. I’m never quite sure what to believe or how to frame it, though I’m sure there’s something to believe in.
Talking to him already helps, he’s always listening. I hope you find your spiritual path, best of luck girlie
wow… didn’t really see it coming, considering the general content of everything else here… I hope you find your way around things