If I could change one thing about the past five years it would be…

“You have callus,” she stated while running her thin fingers against my rough heel.
“Yes,” I nodded sheepishly.
“Bad callus,” she shook her head. “You want I remove-a for you.  Scrub scrub.”

She mimed the action of vigorously rubbing a pumice stone against my feet and I wondered how soon into learning English she had learned the word callus.

I paused. She made a face that indicated how unladylike and repulsive she found the quality of my foot skin to be.

“Yeah okay,” I said, wondering if the extra $4 would be worth it since I would clearly be barefoot later that day and the calluses would be back by bedtime.

I mean, I’m barefoot so often that I’m pretty sure there are people in my life who have never seen me with shoes on.*  In my defense, I live in Southern California and it’s almost always lovely and perfect outside.  In further self defense, I run a children’s day camp and there are often activities for which bare feet are better suited, like playing on inflatable slip and slides, swimming, answering the phone, making photocopies, managing my staff, eating goldfish etc. etc.

Mmmm, goldfish.**

Anyway.  One of the things I like best about running a day camp is that kids are just so pure.  There’s something honest about them that you don’t find with most adults, something about how they’re willing to ask questions about everything and get messy and crazy and into it- whatever it is.  And that’s refreshing.

But it’s also really frustrating.  Because why can’t adults be like that too?  When did everything get so complicated?  What happens between being a kid and being an adult?  What changes us and makes us just so… serious?

I’m not really sure if I miss being a kid, because as a kid, you certainly don’t appreciate being a kid (oh so true of most things), but I do wish I could take away some of my adultness once in awhile.  I wish I could slow down.  I wish I could make things matter just a little less.

*For more on how I plan to get married barefoot, click here.
**Speaking of cheese flavored snacks, did you know that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese now makes crackers?  MACARONI AND CHEESE CRACKERS.  Sorry for the YELLING, but they are DELICIOUS.  I’m actually pretty angry I found them at the grocery store, almost as angry as when Jello started making those 60 calorie mint fudge pudding cup things, because sure, 60 calories aren’t a lot- until you eat 12 of them in a row.  Sigh.

I think if I start having lots and lots and lots of sex, I’ll sleep better.

The sleeping has been off and on the past few days. No more total awake-all-night-scratching-my-face -off-insomnia, but no full nights of sleep either. I’ve been taking Unisom (some over the counter sleep aid thing) and it’s been helping me fall asleep, but not really helping me stay asleep. I’ve been doing this thing with lavender oil too- where I rub it on my wrists and breath it in deeply before bed. Which is all nice and good, but I’m thinking that the rampant sex might be much more enjoyable and a lot less Whole Foods-ey. And my wrists wouldn’t smell weird.

Anyway.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future, both the near future (what special activities should we do at camp next week?), the semi near future (where the hell am I going to live in September?), and the not so near future (what do I want to do with my life?!). I know that because of how frequently I move around and how short term my commitments are, I’m constantly at a huge crossroads; I’m repeatedly making seemingly life changing decisions. Which gets tiring. And frustrating. And doesn’t at all help with the insomnia.

The amount of decisions I’m making this week alone are enough to cause my eyes to do a bugged out wiggly rotation thing inside their sockets. This also does not help with the insomnia. Basically, I feel like I’m constantly all “am I on the right path?” or “is this the best thing I could possibly be doing?” and let me stress that these types of questions do not come easily answered (ahem, insomnia). I just want to know that I’m taking advantage of every possible opportunity and yet that I’m moving toward something (both personally and career wise), while still being able to enjoy the present.

Why is it so damn difficult to enjoy the present?

A big decision was made today though, I was asked to continue on as Director of the day camp I run for 2009 and possibly even 2010. The Board of Directors hasn’t offered anyone a multi-year contract in a long time, and I was extremely flattered about the whole thing. So one question is answered, the question of “where will I be working next summer?” And also the question of “depending on what happens with KK, where will my guaranteed income be coming from?”

So it’s a huge relief really. Plus, I adore the campers and the staff and the whole thing is just overwhelmingly positive in a lot of ways. It’s actually the only decision I’ve been fully excited about lately, which is how I know it’s the right one. The decisions to be made over the next few days though, those are the really tough ones. I’m meeting with my KK bosses on Wednesday night to determine my future with the company (my current contract was only for the start up of the business and ends in August), and I’m still pretty unclear as to what I want from them and what they want from me. I’m hoping the meeting will clear all that up.

The other huge decision is whether or not to backpack through Europe with Chelsea from Sept. 1 - Nov. 18.

What?

I know right!

I mean who even considers dropping everything and backpacking for two months with someone they’ve never met? Well, me. When she invited me I was all “you REALLY want me to come? ME??” And she was all “yes,” and lots of other lovely things and we’ve been talking about it and talking about it and I want to go so badly.

So badly.

But the rational and responsible side of me is all “Um, relax please. That would be sooo expensive and what about KK and saving money and being a Real Adult and what would you do when you came back and what about your car and who do you think you are and and and.”

So… that’s where my head is right now. Did I mention that I’m a fucking insomniac?

I’ve started to do this really obnoxiously irritating thing where even though I’m beyond exhausted, to the point of delirium, I can’t sleep.  It’s not that I can’t sleep well, I actually full on cannot sleep.  At all.

Not being a person who has ever suffered from insomnia before, I’m finding this new development extremely frustrating.  Although it shouldn’t be any great shock, since I grew up with a mother who used to clang-bang around the kitchen making tea at 3am before sitting down to work on her photo album like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I guess the crazy little apple doesn’t fall far from the even crazier tree.  Or something.

Some nights I can’t sleep because it’s too hot, or because my ear hurts, or because I don’t have enough blankets.  Other times it’s because I’m terrified that one of my campers will get abducted or that KK will burn down.  Or that I’ll die alone, or that I’m getting fat.  Or that someday I’ll randomly forget how to add.  You know, the usual.

Lately I’ve tried to talk to myself soothingly in bed, thinking that will help.  I try repeating the same calming words over and over, hoping it might force me into some sort of trance.

But it doesn’t.  And I’m pissed.  And exhausted.  And bitchy.  And definitely missing my sparkle.

I think that at the heart of it I just have way, way too much on my mind.

Last night I kept trying to picture my “happy place” (don’t people always insist that doing this is the way to go?), but then I got stressed out trying to figure out what my happy place is and got caught up in weeding out the “happy but not happiest” places and then a loud dog starting barking and the fan was on too high and I kept getting distracted and wound up all anxious and jumpy and thinking “shut up! I’m mother f*cking meditating!”

Which is clearly the ending to all successful meditation sessions.  Truth is, I have absolutely no clue how to meditate, although I really wish I did because if there’s anyone out there that needs to meditate more than anxious-twitchy-overworked-underslept-spazzy-as-a-drunk-hyena me, I’d like to buy that person a very strong drink.

You know you’re spread a little bit too thin when showering goes from a daily necessity to a “when you can schedule in the time” luxury

And the problem with being too busy for things like showering, blogging, and exercise is that in addition to being dirty and losing muscle, I’m also losing my sanity

I obviously care more about the sanity than the dirty weight gain, because here I am.

Finally.

I have a seemingly insurmountable number of things to blog about (I know, it’s been like 14 days) so, um, here comes the abridged version (with pictures!):

camp: is amazing. There’s something about playing with kids all day that’s just incomparable to anything else. I love the selflessness of it, the way kids are pure and honest and make you feel like the world isn’t full of lots of skeezbags. And I don’t know what’s in the water here, but some of these kids are just so cute it’s unbelievable. Everything about the job is unbelievable really, the staff, everything. It’s just so rewarding and so fun.

KK: is just as amazing as camp. And I’m not sick of cookies yet, which is wonderful and frustrating at the same time. Aside from that though, everything is going really well. I know so many people who hate the one job they have that I feel pretty lucky to have two jobs that I adore. The down side, obviously, is that working two full time jobs is exhausting and I literally have no life. The only person I speak to on the phone is my mom, and even that has shrunk to only a few times a week. But KK allows me to do things like make bride and groom cookies, so…. I can’t complain!

homelessness: is fun at times (like when I didn’t have to pay rent on July 1st) and not fun at other times (when I can’t take a bath and constantly feel disorganized and unsettled). I stayed at Motel 6 last night and will be here until Sunday, which is especially nice because of the being able to take a bath thing. I don’t really know how long I’m going to be homeless for, or where I’m going to live next- but I guess that’s all part of the fun here at Nicole’s Crazy Up In The Air Shit Show Life.

Oh, and Happy 4th of July!

I have this dream of hosting the Best and Awesomest (yes, awesomest) Blog Bash Ever. More details can be found here. Please give me any and all feedback/ideas/suggestions.

I also thought you’d like to know that apparently, I think I’m the most important person in the world because I’ve recently started taking my iPhone with me EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom). What could possibly be important enough to warrant taking your phone with you to the bathroom? Clearly I’m delusional, thinking people can’t wait a solid 60-90 seconds for a call back because I’m just that important.

Oh, and this weekend I’ll get back to the regularly-scheduled-homeless-themed-posting with a photo journal of my first week of homelessness.

I’ve been homeless for just over 24 hours and so far, the biggest inconvenience has been trying to figure out where to keep my vibrator.

Other than that, it has been a shockingly smooth transition.

One morning I lived in my apartment and then the next morning I just… didn’t.

I guess that’s one of the side effects of living in 16 different houses/apartments, the transition gets easier and the process of moving out becomes relatively effortless, or at least relatively fast and emotionless.

In preparation for being homeless, Frankie and I cleared out a corner of his garage for me to store all of my stuff (which isn’t comprised of all that much stuff really, but once my ex sends me everything I left at his apartment in NYC, I’ll definitely need the space).  Then I bought a $160 air mattress and the nicest sleeping bag I’ve ever had (which, by the way, would keep me warm in 15 degree weather, should I ever decide to go camping in the winter- or camping at all).  I also bought tiny toiletries, plastic margarita glasses*, and a small pink duffle bag to carry around all of the things I’ll need on a daily basis.

And that’s that.

I must admit, waking up in the camp office this morning was odd, but I slept really well (gracias $160 air mattress).  The only downside is that the bathroom is pretty far away and that the camp phone rang about a half hour before my alarm was to go off (sleeping at work means dealing with work stuff at weird hours), oh, and not having a shower sort of sucks too**.  But the upsides of now having internet at “home” and not paying rent definitely outweigh a few early morning phone calls and a full bladder.

I honestly have no idea how long I’ll be living in the camp office, maybe through the summer?  I don’t know.  It all depends on how things go with KK (aka how much money I’ll be making when I renew my contract with them for September), but until then I’d like to do something exciting with my months of homelessness.  Maybe spend one night a week in a different place?  Maybe try out a new hotel once a month?  Just generally be more fun and flexible.  Any suggestions?  Anyone live in the LA area and want a couch-surfer for a night?  Maybe I should make a This One Time I Was Homeless scrapbook, or write a guidebook to living out of one’s office for three months.  We’ll see.

Oh, and yes, pictures to follow shortly.

*Being homeless without being able to have a margarita on the fly?  Homegirl says uh uh.  Now I just need a flask.

**But there’s a pool!  That counts, no?

It’s my birthday!! Happy birthday to me! And my dad. And my dad’s mom. And my 6th grade boyfriend. And that guy who lived on my floor freshman year. And Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Man, June 13th is one crowded ass day. The craziest part though is that there are three generations of my family born on the same day. I suppose this means that when I’m ready to get pregnant, I should be having a lot of sex in September to try and carry on the tradition.

So, yeah, sex. And did I mention it’s my birthday?

In case you forgot to send me diamonds (shame on you), you can leave me a gift here!

What gift, you ask?

A question! Leave me a question in the comments* and I will answer it. Yes, I will answer every single one. No, I am not usually one for holding stuff back. So seriously, any question, I’m ready.

*I am fully aware that I am like the eleventy thousandth blogger to do this, and that I am either completely unoriginal or just a raging follower. But it’s my birthday (and I’m homeless!), so I can do whatever I damn well please.

On the one hand, it sort of sucks that I’m going to be homeless for three months.

On the other hand, it’s sort of awesome that I’ll be able to start conversations with “so this one time when I was homeless…”

Because it’s hard to top that.

So, I’m going to be homeless, and luckily my mother is extremely supportive. I guess that’s the positive side to having a straight up and down batshit crazy mother: she’s surprisingly supportive in situations that most other mothers would be judge-y and freak-out-ish.

“Hey mom, I have some news.”

“Ooo, okay! Should I try and guess??”

“Um, no. I don’t have that kind of time. Basically I have some news but I’ve spent the last hour turning the negativeness of it into something positive so I need you to at least pretend to be excited.”

“Alright?”

“So you know how I wasn’t technically supposed to be living in my apartment?”

“What?”

“The room I’m renting from Michelle, it’s in some sort of assisted family living apartment complex for low income families and residents aren’t allowed to rent rooms out.”

“Okay….”

“Right so I knew that and she knew that, but we figured if I was quiet and cat-like, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Were you not cat-like? What did you do?”

“No mom, it’s not like that. I didn’t do anything. But the property manager called Michelle this morning and told her that she’s seen me leave like every morning (stalker) and that if I’m not out of the apartment by Monday, Michelle and her kids will get evicted.”

“That’s pretty snotty of her.”

“Yes, I know! Thank you! Anyway, so Michelle and I talked about getting a bigger place someday, but I can’t sign a lease until after my contract extension with KK is final at the end of the summer. And I don’t want to just find a new room to rent on Craigslist.”

“So..?”

“So I’m going to live out of the camp office.”

“The camp office is smaller than my closet Nicole.”

“Well yes, but just listen. Frankie is clearing out a section of his garage for me to leave all of my stuff, and I’m going to buy a really nice, big air mattress. And a sleeping bag. And a backpack that I can refill once a week. It’s going to be hilarious fun.”

“You’re going to live out of a backpack?”

“Yes!”

“For three months?”

“Yes!”

“I guess between camp and KK you’ll be working so much that it won’t really matter. And you can sleep at Frankie’s a few nights a week, right?”

“Yes, definitely! And I can shower at the gym!”

“Maybe you’ll work out more!”

“I know! Wait, hey…”

“Well it’s true. But won’t you also have internet at camp? You hate not having internet at home.”

“True!”

“And you can keep a journal and write a memoir about this one day! Maybe you can even go camping for some of the nights.”

“Haha, maybe. Although this is the LA suburbs.”

“Right, right- but still! What a great adventure this will be. I would have done this at your age, for sure. I’m very excited for you.”

“Sweet mom, thanks.”

And that’s that.

I guess the other day when I said that staying in one place for too long and not knowing when I could travel next was stressing me out, I sort of asked for this.

The moral of the story is: don’t mail me anything at my apartment, because after Sunday I’ll no longer live there (or anywhere really). I’m going to be homeless for three months, and I’m going to have a crazy fucking time doing it.

An article published today states that 26% of NYC residents have the virus that causes genital herpes. My first thought after reading the article was “thank God I moved out of NYC,” followed by “how the hell do they know the percentage of people in the city that have herpes??”

Turns out they did door-to-door interviews and in person medical exams to gather information on everything from diabetes to depression, oh, and herpes.

That must have been so awkward.

Knock knock

“Oh hey, I’m part of the Health and Nutrition Examination Survey.”

“Okay…”

“Do you, um, have genital warts?”

“What?”

“You know, warts. Down there. No? How about diabetes?”

“Genital diabetes?”

“What? No, the regular kind. And are you depressed?”

“Right now? You mean because of this conversation?”

…And so on.

Anyway, I’m glad to be out of NYC with its raging herpes and questionably creepy door-to-door surveys.

Oh, and as promised, here are some other fun Monday things (which are not as much fun as just on my mind, and not really related to Monday at all):

1. In a cruel twist of ironic something or other, I now have health insurance (for the first time since September 2006!) and can afford to go to the dermatologist, gynecologist and all sorts of other ___ologists. Which is insanely exciting. Except that between camp prep and KK, I no longer have time for luxury activities like sleeping, showering, or going to the doctor.

I’m just kidding, I shower.

Sometimes.

Not as much lately though

2. I’ve officially and unfortunately reached my “it’s okay that I’ve been eating so many cookies and not working out because at least I don’t weigh ____” weight. Which means that it’s time to get my ass in gear again (somehow), which is getting increasingly difficult with all of my nonexistent free time. I know that Nina has a ridiculous plan for getting back in shape (it’s called The Crazy!) and that Chelsea has lost 7 pounds in a week- and now it’s definitely time for me to turn up the heat and take responsibility for how unhealthy I’ve been the past month. But.. how?

3. I’m very anxious about not having my next traveling adventure planned out. I’m such a mover-around-er that I can’t deal with staying in one place for too long. I want to go on cruises! I want to go camping! Snorkeling! Laying on a tropical beach! Wanderlust, it’s eating at me. I don’t think I’ll have time to sleep a full 8 hours between now and August 22, how the hell am I going to find time to travel?? Grrrr.

4. Why is white chocolate SO GOOD??

5. When should one start using night cream? What IS night cream?